Tears flow down my face, reading your note, Curtiss.
I've been there as many here might have at one time or another...alone in the desert, filled with rage and anger and lashing out at nothing in particular and focusing all our pain, fear, rejection, on the latest perpetrator.
I keep asking God for magical words to share with you, but He is silent.
All I can think to share is that you took a critical first step in sharing all this with us...confessing your darkness.
Perhaps now, now you need to go find a quiet place in the woods, fall to your knees and cry out as our bible fathers have done... rant, rave, cuss, whatever it takes to break that barrier. God has big shoulders. He knows your heart. He knows your rage and fear. He can take it. Let it out to HIM, not just us. Stomp, kick, scream, whatever it takes till you end up face down on the ground in tears, as I am in tears reading this and feeling your depth of pain...
Surrender yourself once again totally to him, confess that you are at a point where you just can't go on anymore... that you need the Holy Spirit to take over and minister to you for you are at the end of your wits and will.
We will keep vigil with you and pray mightily for your ability to Let Go--Let God. you've done what you can and you've met the enemy...and he is you. God is the only true answer. You don't need to "feel" His presence, you just need to confess your rage and fear and aloneness. Faith is believing what you can't prove (or feel).
*****
Forgive me,Lord, for all those times when I turn away, or give in to momentary weakness and choose the path of indulgence. Please hear this rusty, broken vessel as we ask for help for our friend.
You know I don't like to offer up prayers publicly so please accept this petition in the humility it is offered. I have felt what our brother Curtiss feels, so lost, forlorn, odd stacked against me, fearing above all else that my value is zero and I can't go on...that my best efforts mean nothing. It's hard to confess that for others to read, but you already know.
But, Jesus, You've helped me come to understand that indeed, I CAN NOT do anything of value outside of you. You've brought me to my knees so many times, only to see my rally myself and drag myself up by my bootstraps, as I was taught to do. How sad that must have made you all those years, to see me so close to breaking through to rely only on you, and then see me rally to rely on myself, beliving that that best place to "find a helping hand is at the end of my own arm", or "God helps him that helps himself".
Those were false teachings, Lord. It prevented me from truly coming to terms with my own impotence and inability to 'get it right.'
We beseach you to reach into Curtiss, right now, Lord, and make him see that YOU are indeed, standing at the Gate, waiting to be let in. Help him to see your power, love, and total acceptance of him as he is right now, broken, angry, fearfilled and at wits end.
We ask this, knowing that You alone are our true salvation and only in submission can we know your true power and full measure of grace.
Bring healing and peace to Curtiss and his family. Show him your true path for his life.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Topic: Help (Read 1815 times)
