Sleep...

[Oliverstacy]

I haven't slept well or wanted to go to sleep for a very long time...it has been years since I could just go to sleep without worry.  I can't control my mind...it is getting to me.  I have overcome most of the demons in my mind but I still cannot sleep...but I'm soo tired.

I have to take Xanax to sleep or even want to sleep…I have come to the conclusion that it is the fear of the next day that keeps me awake, for the worry will be there the next day.  

I have fought suicidal thoughts since 2002 with the worst in 2006, five straight month of it consuming my mind everyday all day.  I work afternoons and don’t get out until around 12:30 am and by the time I get to sleep it’s close to 4am or later.  I have to get up at a little after 8 am to get my daughter to school and later my son to pre-school in the afternoon, I catch a nap here and there but it’s not enough.  Yet I can’t sleep.

I have gotten better and my mind no longer wants to quit fighting…but I still cannot sleep.  I have wonderful children and a wonderful wife who works days and does the same thing I do…we are by all rights single parents.  We rarely ever see each other.  

I have had conflicts with family over hunting…hunting was a release for me but my brother has taken that from me, he has made it a miserable experience to the point I can no longer be around him.  There is more on this topic alone than I care to write.

For some reason I’m writing this now…maybe because I need to tell someone but don’t know who.  My family knows but still it’s not better, I guess I just needed to speak my mind.

Thanks for listening...I'm not looking for your prayers, I guess I just needed to speak to maybe let others know they're not alone.

Josh

[702plmo]

Well Josh,  Im no Dr. but its great that you can admit there is a problem.  

   Just keep your head up, and stay on the positive side at all times.    Try to keep away from people that are always negative or try to help the people that are negative.  

  Always look at the wonderful family you have and live your life to serve them.   Let your every wakeing moment revolve around god and your family.

  If your not in church seek one out and attend and follow the good word and things will work out for you.

  I pray that all will work out for you and your family.

   PS  I have trouble sleeping from stress too.   One thing that helps me out is I stop drinking all soda and coffee 4 hours before the end of my shift.  

Take care and GOD BLESS,     Jim

[BenBow]

Josh I don't know if you've seen your dr about this but you appear to be suffering from depression. This is a disease not a character weakness problem and it can easily be controlled with medication. I suffered for 30+ years before finding out and I can tell you that the relief I got from the correct medication was unbelievable. Don't let the lie about it being a character weakness keep you from having the real life you know your missing.
Praying for truth and strength for you.

[swampjoe]

Josh, I'm with Benbow - you've described classic symptoms of clinical depression.  There doesen't have to be a specific reason for it - in fact, that is one of the most insidious parts of depression.....it's not like a cancer or heart problem where there are obvious physical changes to be monitored.  You can't see it and it seems to make no sense.  Go and see a doctor my friend....as BenBow said, you will not believe what a difference there can be with proper medication.  I'm sending one up for you as well....and I hope you and your family have a safe and happy Christmas!

[katie]

Josh-Thanks for having the gutts to take a stand and tell us what is going on in your life.  I know that is hard.  I had a similar issue over the last year.  I watched my mother-in-law die of breast cancer.  We fought for her with everything we had.  I spent months afterwards having trouble sleeping.  I was always trying to rap my mind around how this could happen.  It was terrible.  Then one day my sister signed me up to help out at the World Vision table at a local christian concert.  I was mad at her.  I was sleepy and did not want to go.  When our work was done they let us go into the concert to listen a bit.  One of the ladies was speaking about the fact that she was having the same problem.  She was exhausted because she could not stop her mind from worrying about the next day.  She new the word of God told her not to worry that God would always take care of the next day.  She just could not make herself rest in that.  One day she had to move her little boy while he was sleeping.  You know how kids are, he was out cold.  He never even opened an eye.  She thought "man why can't I do that".  Then she felt God say "you can".  "Let me hold you and rest in me like a child".
This was huge for me.  I know God is real.  When my mother passed her lungs were full of cancer.  She could barely breath and was in a coma.  She opened her eyes, took a deep breath and got a huge smile.  She saw God then passed to be with him.  In turn we saw God in her face.
Every time I start to feel my mind working crazy I think "rest in me like a child".  It has worked for me.  A lot of time I find myself wishing for the day I can have the peace that she has.  I just have to wait my turn.  I have a responsiblity as a mother and wife.  Someday I will look upon the Lord.  But for now, I make myself have rest(when my kids are not nuts) here at home.
Hope this helps.  I am praying for you.  I know how bad this stuff sucks.  Keep your head up.  You are a good man with a great family and a Kota on the way.  Life could not be better!
Katie

[Oliverstacy]

First thanks for reading what I had to say…let me clear some things up. (this is a long read...sorry)

I started taking anti-depressants in 2002 through about the summer of 2007 and in that time I gained around 70-80 lbs and my self-esteem was at an all time low.  The medicine made me not care a bit about really anything.  I had horrible thoughts daily at the end and it truly was a low point in my life.  I saw a psychiatrist with little help and had two different doctors in the mental health field prescribe 5+ different anti-depressant medications.  I still wasn’t getting any better and I had no will to fight.  Then one day a person close to me that was going to pharmacy school said that she felt I didn’t have depression as much as I was incredibly angry with many people and things.  She said most of my symptoms were more along the lines of ADHD and that I should talk to my doctor about that.  She also stated that many people that have ADHD don’t respond well to anti-depressants and in some cases it makes them worse.  I basically had to force my doctor to take me off this type of medication, but she did.

I had a 2 month stretch where I wasn’t on medication and then she put me on medication for ADHD…180 degree turn.  I had energy (granted the medication is for that), I could concentrate on tasks and my outlook on life improved drastically.  My best friend of 30 years said it is a night and day difference.  I have lost 70 lbs in the last year with help from co-workers and my wife via Weight Watchers…this has also helped immensely.  I think DR’s are so quick to put people on anti-depressant medication because they don’t take the time to truly listen to their patients, how could they in a 10 minute session.  

Now I have fought all of the things in my life that made me mad and I have literally told everyone exactly what I think about them and the situations of why I’m not happy.  This has helped since I no longer keep it inside.

I have found that without the depression medicine I am better, no doubt about it.  I will never go back on that type of medication…it will kill me.  I have panic attacks but I have medicine for those and work through some without taking it, but sleep is a different subject.

I just can’t get myself to go to sleep, I’m wired at the end of the day when I get out of work and it take me time to decompress.  But time is my enemy when it comes to this process; I still have to get up at 8 am regardless of what time I go to sleep.  Basically my day goes like this…get up around 8 am and get my daughter ready for school (she’s a first grader) then I come back home and make sure my son is feed and content (he is almost 5).  This is where if I can take a nap I do so.  I then have to have him to pre-school at 12:45 pm and then get ready for work and pick him back up at 3:15.  I then change vehicles with my wife since we only have one car that can hold us all and I take my truck to work from her work and I get out of work as stated before around 12:30 to 1:00 am.

Hunting was a release from the above but without going into incredible detail I have a family member that has made that a miserable experience and has caused many a late night.  I would go through patches of say 2-3 weeks where I can’t get myself to sleep (I have no problem sleeping once I am asleep, just ask my wife).  About 5 weeks ago I had my latest run-in with my brother and I haven’t been able to sleep since…my mind is a funny thing.  As Katie stated it is hard to shut the silly thing off most nights…try going to sleep with hundred of images running through your mind.  It doesn’t work.

I hope this has cleared some things up…probably confused more people but it is what it is.

Overall I’m so much better than a year ago…it is hard to measure the amount but it is a night and day difference.

Thanks for listening, sorry this was so long.

Josh

[BenBow]

Josh I'm so glad you've found out what you have. Praying for a similar break through on the sleep issue. Also praying for your brother so that gets straightened out as much as possible.

[Terry Green]

Just emailed ya.....

[Doc Nock]

Josh,

I typed a long thing earlier but my DSL is freakin out and dropping like flies in a cholorform factory!

And it was moot...you've shared a lot. I am so touched by you opening up to us...but this whole Trad community is something special.

You sound like you've done a lot of hard work and are on a better track.  Still sounds like the thoughts could be tied to some anger issues, especially with your brother... some things tend to stay with us in life even though we've learned how to control them most of the time!

Hang in there. We will keep you in prayers! Of that you can rest assured! Never underestimate Christ's power over things we have long ago learned we're powerless against!

Keep the Son in your eyes!

[Ol' Ephraim]

Just sent pm.

[Ssamac]

Josh: I'm no doctor so I can't recommend. But I do know 2 things: One, your family can do you more damage than anything else and Two If you really are willing to let go, no one else can mentally hurt you.

If your brother sets you back or takes the thing that makes life worthwhile for you, cut the ties. Let go of the anger inside. Just let it go, offer it up to God if that helps, whatever, but you have to let it go. Not easy. And when you find yourself getting back to it, stop yourself. Maybe go hunting?

Don't let family be a poison. YOu seem to have a nice family with your wife and children. Maybe your brother does not. Just because he is your brother he's not allowed to hurt you and you don't have to see him. YOu don't owe him anything. Concentrate on your family, and you in the family.

As for sleeping, I just don't know what to tell you. Seems like you're up when you should be down and down when you should be up. Could be a chemical thing. Look up Dr Weill. He has some non invasive helps for this stuff.

We'll keep you in our prayers.
sam

[Ssamac]

by the way, forgot to start with this, but admitting there's a problem is the start to a cure. I think you've taken the first step

[Oliverstacy]

To all that have posted, pm'd and even called I'm touched, this world is full of great people.  I think I was just thinking out loud the first night but wanted to add more without getting to involved (second post).  Maybe I wanted to speak my mind and let others know they are definitely not alone in daily struggles.

Funny the next night I went to bed just before 2:30 am…yet last night it was after 5 am.

Anyway I am going to look into talking to someone about the anger...anger can lead to frustration...which leads to getting down...which leads to depression.  It can go many different ways.  I have come along way since October of 2006 but in many ways I'm still not over everything.  Stuff has been added on the home front that is a great burden and it’s something I can’t let go right now, I guess I’m not at that stage of the cycle.  I have finally seen some change from that direction, when you hit your family where it hurts sometimes they have to look and not sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist.  One thing I’ve learned in the last couple of years is this, “ignoring a problem will not make it go away!”

Terry/Ray/OL’E/Katie and others thank you for the pm’s/emails…I will try to call and respond to them all.  I have read them all but this time of year is very busy…but I am amazed that people will reach out.

I love this site and I truly love traditional hunting/shooting and the people that it brings into my life.

To others that read this that are struggling with suicidal thoughts…it will get better, that I can tell you for sure.  Some have asked what did you do to make them go away, I can’t tell you exactly what it was that made them stop.  It was a combination of many things and more than likely some of them I’ll never know.  Don’t be afraid to stand up to a Dr. that is just pushing medication…ask questions, health care isn’t cheap, get your moneys worth.  Keep asking questions about what exactly the medication they have you on is supposed to target/fix.  Give it time to work, at least 6 months to a year.  In my case I was on a form of Serotonin for over 4 years without IMHO any improvement, I think it made it worse.  I’m on ADHD medicine and it is a world of difference…I have energy and can think more rationally and calmly.  Telling the people that are affecting you that they are indeed affecting you will help; keeping it inside will drive you into the ground.

Believe it or not I’m actually tired and I’m heading to bed shortly.

Josh

[BenBow]

Josh it so good to hear your words. You are and will do well. Your advise is sound and appreciated.
Sleep well.

[Doc Nock]

Josh,

It takes a BIG man to come here and confess all that you've shared!

It sounds like you're realizing that this anger thing is like the roots of an ivy..running just under the surface in a lot of directions, invading things you don't yet realize.

You've apparently worked hard on that...and there is nothing being taken away for your past effort by us suggesting there is perhaps, more to do.

Anger and it's many sisters, is like being diabetic...or alcoholic...you can control both, never have another issue with it...but it is always there...and requires vigilance.

You, with God's help, will get through this. Give it to Him. Ask His help. You don't need to be a strong believer to go to God and Jesus and ask. He will make strait the path to follow and help you learn as He strengthens you. He's the best hunting partner or friend you'll ever have. Period!

Peace brother. Keep the Son in your eyes!