Ken,
I have a preacher friend who does preacher (and lay people) counseling. He tells a story of one preacher who came to him lamenting, "All of a sudden, my life is out of my control...and I want to get it back in line..."
My preacher/counselor friend shares that he says back to them person, "First thing we have to deal with is your dilusion that you EVER had control of life!"
Sounds kinda "smart butt" but his point is that in reality, we are never in control... which is maybe why God sent his Son, huh? When we truly accept how little control we have, it's not as hard to give it "over to God." Sure has helped me.
I deeply respect your desire to take on your loved one's pain, but perhaps being strong in faith with them and in front of them will do them more good.
Prayers for peace, strength, discernment all from the Holy Spirit for each of your family members in trial and for all those who love them.
Shalom, brother...shalom.