George,
I'm sorry to see things continue to slide for you since you last PM'd me...
You are in many people's prayers and have been. That doesn't always mean a quick fix.
The darkest hour is just before dawn the saying goes... When you reach the end of your rope, tie a prayer Knot and hang on.
God puts us in the desert for a reason...and it's sometimes YEARS later till we see what they were.
Whatever it takes, Bud. You need to shake this sense of hopelessness!
See the doc... long term angst can deplete the body of what we need to not be depressed. There are short-term ways to deal with the physical aspects of being this down.
Mouthing spiritual platitudes isn't going to help much where you are, I'm afraid. But the truth is what THP wrote... If you've ever been around to watch a family mop up (literally and emotionally) after someone chooses to "make things better by not being there"... you'd quickly know that is NO ANSWER. And it is so wrong for so many reasons...
I wish I had a buck for every loved one that had to go to a grave site and scream, kick and let out the fury and hurt caused by someone who took that way out. That isn't who you are.
You've been dealt a bad hand. Yup. Many of us can say that a time or two--or dozen, in life... failure is failing to get up when knocked down, not the getting knocked on your kiester!
Success is just the simple matter of getting back up once more than you get knocked down!
Nobody will benefit from the talk your now sharing. I'm not going to judge you, but yes, I will admonish you to seek other avenues to cope... and do it NOW. This attitude has resurfaced now again...so you have to realize only YOU can prevent forest fires.
God is standing there, a willing partner, but faith is believing what YOU can't prove (or see)... and He demands faith in Him to show you a way out that is acceptable and blessed. This ain't it!
Offered in love, brother. Been where you are, thought I coudln't take another day of it...but then I found that I could take way more than I thought when more got piled on and the prior "can't take it"-level seemed trivial by comparison. It's all about attitude and "dying to self".
Keep the Son in your eyes, bud. Confess your fears, cry, spit, kick. God got big shoulders. He knows how bad you're hurting and welcomes your honesty...but He awaits your submission to His will, not these choices of which you've spoke to me and now speak again.
God don't make junk...trust He has a purpose for you unseen now as worldly issues weigh in.
God bless, buddy.