Matt, like others here, I've been where you are, and I hope to be where Horner is someday; but right now is too soon. I was a heavy drinker and frequent drunk for longer than you've been alive, and just quit cold turkey 6 months ago. It's not impossible.
The bottom line, the trick, the secret is that there has to be something more important to you than the booze. Doesn't matter what it is. It can come along and drop into your lap out of the blue, or you can create it yourself, or it can be something that was there all along that you realize you don't ever want to lose.
It can be God, or a career, or a sport, or a friend or family, or someone you love more than anyone or anything else on the planet. It can be your health, your own sense of self worth, or remembering what it was like to be free before you got trapped and wanting to go there again, or something you want to accomplish that can't be done any way but sober. For some, it takes a tragedy of their own making, like killing or crippling some innocent in a car crash, or doing something stupid that takes away everything they have, or lands them in prison. But it doesn't have to come to that. You still have the chance to either find that something that means more to you than anything else, or to create it for yourself, or to realize you already have it, and focus on it. Whatever that is, that's your motivation, and your ticket out. That's what will take you away from the alcohol and sustain you there away from it.
A man who's been one of my best friends for 40 years did it some 30 or so years ago, and (at the time) just amazed me by it. Just up and quit. I didn't see how he did it then, but it was my proof that it can be done; and that seed laid dormant in me until the time came for me to quit; and when I found my motivation, I did it, too. So can you. And you have an advantage. It's early for you yet. I didn't say easy; I said early. You don't have to wallow as long as I did. You've already admitted things to yourself, and to others.
The first 3 days or so of quitting were the very hardest for me. Then it eased up some, but for weeks, I still had to grit my teeth. It's gotten easier now. It's become more of a habit, staying sober, and it helps immensely and boosts my pride that people respect me for it; but I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But I also know the edge of the woods is somewhere up ahead, straight down this path. All I gotta do is walk it, and it's getting easier, a little at a time. And I still have mixed feelings about it, but I expected that. Part of me doesn't like staying sober worth a damn, but another part of me is really glad I did, and wishes I had done it a lot sooner. You'll have to expect that, too, and be able to tolerate the ambiguity and not lose your track.
Some people do better with support groups for encouragement, positive feedback, and shared experience, and if that's for you, then I recommend it; but other people, no matter how helpful, can't walk your path for you. You have to realize that this is your own quest, and ultimately, only you can determine its final outcome.
In that vein, I heard a story once that has stayed with me that I'd like to share with you. I may get some details fuzzy here, but the truth still comes through:
A young Indian (not the PC term; so sue me) went to his Grandfather about a problem he was having. His Grandfather told him, "Inside each of us are two wolves fighting to the death; one is evil, and the other is good; one is selfish, and mean, and ugly, and hurts others and destroys things. The other is kind, and wise and loving, and builds things, and helps people." So the young man asked his Grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" and the Grandfather replied, "The one you feed."
Likewise, you have an addicted wolf, and a free wolf. Your fate will depend on which one you feed.
This is the best I can do for you. I hope it helps. I'm pulling for you. I know you, and I believe in you. I believe you have what it takes to win this. Keep touch.
Topic: Struggling with Addiction (Read 4538 times)
