Hello everyone. I'm a young man in need of advice.

[AndrewArcher]

First off, let me say this is not a medical issue. This is more of an emotional one.

Well, I'm just going dive right in.


I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some, but rougher than others.

When I was little, my dad would antagonize and mock me.

Let me give you an example.

When I was little, I had a rabbit. My rabbit eventually died, as all things do. Now, having your pet die as a child can be tough. But it made it even tougher when my dad made up a song about it being dead. I won't go into details about the song, but it was a very mean song.

My dad would sing it until I would cry, and then tell me not to tell my mom about it, because it would ruin her day, and make them fight.

How incredibly messed up is that? What kind of FATHER, can sing a song about his own sons rabbit dieing, for the sole purpose of bringing his son to tears? And on top of that, then telling them that they are going to ruin their mothers day if they say anything?

Another time, I had gotten a "Karate video." I was very into martial arts at the time.

I was practicing along with the video, and doing kicks. My dad felt the need to mention that I wasn't doing it as good as them, and that I could only kick well with one leg. As a child, having a parent insult you is very damaging. I turned off the video, I didn't turn it back on.


Also, my parents were always fighting. Like, scream fighting. My dad is 6.2, and would do everything he could to intimidate us. If we did something he didn't like, he would take us into the bathroom and scream at us.

This was very terrifying as a kid. I remember shaking and crying. I also remember him then waking us up at 5 in the morning, apologizing and crying. He wouldn't let us go back to bed until we forgave him.

This was a daily routine.

I used to sleep with a knife at night, because I would hear them fighting, and thought he might hit her, so I wanted to be ready.


He moved out, moved back in, moved out, moved back in, ect. This happened 6 times. Every time he came back, he would say he was different. And he would be nice. He would act like a real father, and take me out to Gander mountain, we would go on walks, and just be a father and son.

But it didn't last. It hurt more and more every time he left, and came back.

Well, now I'm 17, and hes been gone for two years.

8 months ago, my mom got a call from a friend, saying her mom had cancer, and she had to go out of state to take care of her. So me, my mom, and sister, drove the 4 hours to her house, and have been taking care of her mentally handi capped sister, and farm for 8 months. We've been here this long because while down there, her father died.

Anyways, she lives on a farm. And I have been doing most of the outside care. Taking care of chickens, cutting wood, taking care of horses, cats, and the 5 acres of lawn.

Since we have been down here, I have changed as a person. I am no longer filled with boiling rage and hatred, I no longer am depressed, and no longer hate life.

But the best part has been that I have had to have no contact with my dad     I have had time to think and heal.

But now... Now we are two weeks away from going home. Back to the city, in between two apartments, with loud, annoying people, and back to the city where the house is, with so many bad memories, and, worst of all, my dad.

He doesn't live with us anymore, but I know he will come over occasionally, and I can't avoid him forever.

And I can already feel myself slipping back towards that angry person I was before. And I don't want that to happen. I don't EVER want to be that person again.


I feel completely, absolutely, 100 percent, lost. It seems like I have no options any more.

The whole thing that sparked this mellow dramatic rant was a video I watched of a dad taking his son hunting. They got a deer, and while I was watching it, I kept thinking "Why the hell didn't I end up with a dad like this?"

I can't help but feel incredibly cheated. I watch these kids with awesome dads, who teach them about shooting, hunting, and what it is to be a man.

I've had to teach myself everything. I learned how to shoot all on my own, how to skin animals all on my own, etc.

But now, I can't even find comfort in shooting anymore. My bow has become to small for me. I'm 6.3, and have a 31 inch draw. My bow is a 58 inch recurve. Now I just get angry whenever I shoot.


And you know what sucks the most? Every single guy my age has a girl friend, and they are going places.

But I can't get one, because I know I'm going to grow up to be nothing. I'm a screwed up person,who has serious emotional issues, and anger issues. No girl deserves to be with a guy with so many issues. I couldn't do that to someone.


Anyways... I'm really sorry about my long rant... But I feel like I am losing control. I need help, and advice, from real men.

So, thank you for reading this. I am very grateful

[Winterhawk1960]

Andrew,

First off.....my heart aches to hear that you feel this way about yourself. NO child deserves that kind of treatment and NONE of this is YOUR fault. Some people never grow up.....ever. I'm not gonna speculate as to the "why" people are the way they are, just that it is a vicious cycle that must be stopped......somehow, someway.

I am going to PM you my phone number and PLEASE feel free to call me tomorrow when you can find the time. If your not able to call me, please send me your phone number and a good time to call you. I would really like to talk to you in person.

YOU will be in my prayers......

Winterhawk1960

[AndrewArcher]

Originally posted by Winterhawk1960:
Andrew,

First off.....my heart aches to hear that you feel this way about yourself. NO child deserves that kind of treatment and NONE of this is YOUR fault. Some people never grow up.....ever. I'm not gonna speculate as to the "why" people are the way they are, just that it is a vicious cycle that must be stopped......somehow, someway.

I am going to PM you my phone number and PLEASE feel free to call me tomorrow when you can find the time. If your not able to call me, please send me your phone number and a good time to call you. I would really like to talk to you in person.

YOU will be in my prayers......

Winterhawk1960

Thank you so much for the kind words Don. I greatly appreciate it.

As for calling you, if its all the same to you, I would rather PM about the issues I'm having. I've found that I do much better writing people, because I have the time to think out what I'm saying, and articulate it as such.

We are also very busy these last few weeks, with the packing of all our stuff, cleaning up, supervising an addition that's being put on (For her mom. Long story) So I don't have much free time except for late at night.

Its also nice to be able to review what people say when I'm feeling discouraged  

Thank you for offering to let me call you... You don't know how much that really means to me. Honestly, it brought a smile to my face.

I just had a long talk with my mom, which helped a lot. Even though shes made her share of mistakes, I'm amazed at how she is willing to talk to us. Shes fantastic.

[CoilSpring]

Andrew,
Brother, if I can call you that? I am so proud of you! It takes a man to get on here and lay it all out like you just did - to recognize and admit there are issues inside, and to ask for help.

The first thing I want to say is that there is truly only one real, perfect father - the Heavenly Father. And He has seen your struggles and your pain - it saddens Him. He really cares about you, Andrew, like no earthly father can.  You see, He loves you so much, He sacrificed His own Son's life for YOU - He loves you THAT much!!!

You WILL get through this, because we are here to help, and the true Father God is our strength even when we are weak.

Now let's get some things staight, OK?  You, Andrew, are NOT a screwed up person.  God made you in His image (not your earthly father's) - and God said His creation was not just good, but "was VERY good".  He knew you before you were born, when He knit you together in your mother's womb. He had and still has a plan for you, Andrew, to have a blessed life, whole, full, and prosperous.  That is His desire for you.

I know you feel behind or lost or without in many ways, but Andrew, speaking from 47 years of life, son, you have time on your side.  Let's slow down a little here and think this through, OK? I'll say it again...you have time on your side.  I know it doesn't "feel" like it, but you do, trust me.  There is time to heal, time to change, there is time to do what's right, there is time to correct wrong, there is time to catch up on education and be very, very successful in life, there is time to give, and time to forgive, time to rest, to be still and hear that 'still small voice' of God to lead you in His Wisdom.

And you know what, Andrew? There is even time to make a friend, who is a girl, (some man's daughter) that God prepared for a young man like you, but first let's work on you first, OK? And when the time is right, the other things will fall into place in God's time.  Let's work on His time, not ours, because we see only dimly with our shallow minds/eyes, but He sees all clearly and willingly shares His wisdom to those who diligently seek Him.  I pray you do seek Him, Andrew, because He is the true Father and He knows what each of His sons and daughters needs.

I understand why you don't find comfort in shooting anymore.  I've been there recently.  You see, it's just a "temporary fix" a "distraction" for what you've been enduring for so long. It just takes your mind off of the real problems, but doesn't make them go away.  It can be relaxing, but not a solution - I'm learning that too.  

When I was your age, I was blessed with some men who pointed me to God's word in Proverbs and Psalm.  I noticed your signature.."He trains my hands for battle, So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze." from Psalm 18:34.  See, He truly is our strength. Sometimes our muscles have to be "torn down" to be built up and made strong again.  The tearing down you have gone through, Andrew, God can build up to make you stronger, to use you not only to help yourself, but your mom and others.  You can help others get through what you've been through simply because, you've been there.  He can use you to be strong for others; to be His instrument, His hands, His feet, His love for others.  

I can see you making a difference in this world, Andrew, in the lives of others, because I see much value in you.  I see your desire to change - to not be the person you've been.  I can tell you're a smart guy  - you write and express yourself well.  I see that you have character - you want to do the right thing.  I see honor and respect in you - you protect your Mom.  I see a young man willing to learn and be responsible - teaching yourself to shoot, martial arts, working hard to take care of the farm. What I DO NOT see, is someone who is "going to grow up to be nothing", but someone with great potential who deeply cares and wants to change; change, not only for himself, and not only for his mom, but also change for his dad, to be that example, that "light on the hill", that Dad, too, may see the handsome, mature, stable, gentle, giving, courteous, respectful, humble, young man I do in you, Andrew.  

The anger, lost feelings and depression you have are just symptoms of your pain.  They are NOT who you are - and they do not define who you will be in the future.  Only Father God knows the future, lets ask Him to guide you there, OK?

Now PM Winterhawk and I'll PM you, too.  

If he hasn't already, DOC and others will chime in here when they get a chance.  

I'm proud of you, Andrew, for sharing this with us. You hang in there for us, OK. You've got time on your side and the true Father controls time, so you're in good hands. Now pick up His Word and start reading Proverbs 1:1...words of advice from a father to his son.

You are in my prayers.
Tim

   

             

[AndrewArcher]

CoilSpring, may I just say, I was very touched while reading what you said. It was just exactly what I needed to hear.

Everything you said was dead on, and absolutely true.

I'm reading Proverbs now. You know, its funny, I never put much thought into reading the bible, and even when I did read it, I didn't put much thought into what it was saying. but now that I'm paying close attention, its very insightful... And comforting.

I'm definitely going to be reading it more often.

And I would be honored to be called brother by the way.

You have given me a lot of hope... I am in a much better mood than I was. I also have a better outlook on things  

I can't thank you enough. I will be re-reading what you said quite often I think.

[BenBow]

Thank God for the fellowship here. Praying for God's best for you.

[Doc Nock]

Young Andrew,

I appreciate Coilspring's sense I might have something valuable to share. I've lost home internet due to some mechanical thing..modem or whatever, and first time since MOnday to find time at work...

You've been given two big fistfulls of great advice above by two true believers.

I read some neat books over my life.  One was talking about how it is that we form our self image....about being 2' tall in a 6' world and we see ourselves as others reflect us to be.

That is fine for a child. As the bible says about "when as a child I thought...acted like a child, but now I am no longer a child"

What struck me most was 2 things: You found healing space at your grandmom's.  NOw you know what environment can help renew and replenish you. If you can't live there full time (we'd all like to) you have to create time to go somewhere to find that when you need to most!

The second thing that hit me was that horsepuckey about being a miserable mess--which is as others pointed out, just NOT TRUE!

We all believe what we tell ourselves most!

STOP telling yourself those lies!!! It's the Liar trying to bend you away from God's word and Will. Easy to write, harder to do but if it were easy, all would do so!

90% of mental issues, depression, etc. stem from the fact that somewhere, someone planted the seed in a young person's mind that they were bad or flawed.

Then those 90% seem to continue to believe that message of childhood and play it over and over until they are the ONE nourshing that falsehood and making that script their own to replay in their own mind till it becomes engrained!

Grab a hold of this thought with what I wrote above in mind: Pity your dad. Somewhere in his miserable life, someone did him similarly bad things and ruined his self esteem. The only way he can feel momentarily good is to put others down and bully. That is the perfect vision of a tortured soul who has bought into the fact they are a bad person and they feel there is no way out so there only release is to lash out at others!

See him as a bully he is. Bullies are basically cowards... and they got that way because they didn't believe in themselves or their value and began step-by-step to live a life acting out their negative view of themselves and you see where THAT leads!

Now Go be different. When you have to see him, feel saddness for the miserable life that he must be living inside himself.  He has no power but that which you give him.

You need not phsically confront. You need but pray for him and realize the tortorous life he leads inside!

You've made a huge start! You are connecting with His Word...you've come here and opened up, you found some healing and peace at Grandma's in honest work and labor...and you found a way to let go of some of the HATE. Hate is the tool of Satan for sure! As long as you hate, the darness rules and Sin wins!

Go rent the Star Wars series and watch it. You're like Luke Skywalker at Yoda's.  You're anxious to be rid of your demons. You want to cast out on your own and be free...but first you must face the dark side and in the end, it is all within you...your past, your memories, your feelings... but only you can prevent forest fires and only you can give yourself a brain-enema and dump that crud out of your mind and put in fresh clean thoughts like offered above.

You will succeed. Lord doesn't promise a rose garden and one has to spend time in the desert and suffer as Job at times, but that is all to strengthen you for what role God has planned.

We eat an elephant one bite at a time! Keep cutting a bite of this elephant off each day and chew it and swallow...you can take that analogy as far as you want, but in the end, YOU ARE IN CHARGE of how you see yourself.

God is there to support, strengthen and lift you up like the wind beneath Eagles wings... but you have to be the one to work at it.

You can and WILL break this chain of behaviors and be the WINNER God intended.

Keep the Son in your eyes!

[GRINCH]

Andrew you have received some excellant advice,you are not a loser lets get that straight,you Father is a very insecure person who needs to belittle you in order to feel important,you found peace at your grandmothers,thats because you had no negative influences.Be your own man and not his,God has a plan for you and it doesn't have anything to do with the bully that is your DAD.

[tecum-tha]

1.) You're not messed up. No person is, that does not do things like everyone else. Wait until you turn 18 and then you'll never have to see your father again.
2.) Since you like to live with your grandmother, is there a possibility to find an apprenticeship closeby, where you can start working after you are 18 or even earlier after finishing school? This will take your initiative.
3.) Priorities in the modern world:
+ Finish school the best you can.
+ Get a college education or learn a trade immediately after school.If you go to college, take useful courses employers want to hire, not creative writing or other useless courses.
+ Save money to get your own car and later appartment.
+ Save more money to be able to buy your own house. Try to avoid debt at any cost if possible and always have a financial reserve available.
+ Girlfriend/ wife is last. Getting married young will most likely fail nowadays and will put everything in jeopardy you worked for before.
No marriage without a pre-nup. If she doesn't like that, she does not love you but has a different agenda. If you grow older you will likely see most "relationships" of your age-peers fail. Then you'll see how child support payments make their lifes very miserable. Don't do that to you.
+ I am sorry, but GOD will not help you. You have to help yourself, be strong and act like the man you want to be.If you get up to the top and be the best man you can you'll show your father what a pathetic looser he is.
+ Use archery as the valve to channel your negative energy into positive energy. Look for an older 64" or 66" recurve on the ...-bay. this length should handle your draw length. Set max. amount you want to spend. You'll sometimes have to wait for a good deal. It is like that in life.

[see]

Andrew,  It's good to be able to share your thoughts rather than keep them bottled up inside.  Anger left in leads to depression.  Anger that's vented can be hostile attacking the other person with harmful results.  Anyone that will admit their failures has much hope in the future for we all make mistakes.  Your dad has not shown you what a loving father should be for most likely he never received this as a young boy.  Your dad needs help but unless he admits he has a problem he can never change.  On the other hand, you see these problems, admitting your own and welcome change in your life.  The one who can help you the most and change you the most is Jesus Christ.  If you will ask Him into your heart admitting that you need Him, He has promised to forgive you of all your sins and in turn He will come to live in you.  When you experience His love you will be able to love those who you find to be even hard to be around.  That sounds impossible but with God all things are possible.  Coil spring has advised you very well and I would add to try and find a local church where they teach and preach the Bible.  Since you're reading Proverbs begin to read the first four books in the New Testament.  You may feel that you've had the worst life of all but after reading Matthew, mark, Luke and John you will find that no one suffered like Jesus did.  Let this past life of yours be turned around and begin a new life with Christ.  He makes all the difference. We all have been down troubled roads but these are the roads that lead us to the Lord.Let that begin in you.

[fmscan]

Andrew, Your father ruined ENOUGH! He ruined your childhood thats for sure. He was a BULLY who was so insecure he had to pick on kids and people who couldn't fight back. Fight back now. Take back your life! He ruined your past, YOU are responsible for your future. You are in control. Use your bad experience to make sure you do not behave like that. Quit living in the past and giving him more power over you future. I did not have the best situation either, however I always said when its my turn I will do it different. I did and life is very good. First, thing to do is use the Lord and forgive him. Holding what you have inside is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are FREE... don't waste it and wallow in the past. Show people what you can overcome. Do not use the past and you father as an excuse to be a loser! Use the experience to show how tough you are, and what a good man you are.

[Cyclic-Rivers]

Great Advice here Andrew.

It will be far easier for me to say and you to do:

Be the person you want to be, everything will fall into place.

As far as going places... People that get there first tend to miss the ride see what there is to see and feel like there is nothing left. Slow down and be who you want to be.

When I was younger I was the forgotten middle child.  I was always depressed hoping someone would notice and feel sorry for me. Someone I hoped would help me and then I would have friends and be cool.  I know you are past being cool at 17 but none the less.

It didn't work.  No body wanted to be with a  miserable puss.  I noticed my friends dad was always energetic, friendly, upbeat, fun, involved and looked at the positive in things.  I liked that, and so it seemed everyone else did too.

One day I told myself i wanted to be like him so I changed and my life has been much much better.  It wasn't easy but it was easy enough.

It took being cheerful, forgiveness, and changing my attitude. I stopped worrying about everyone else and their situation, I didn't make other peoples problems my own and I took great passion in living and doing the things I enjoyed.

Sometimes I have to re analyze my attitude but I think you are a much better person than you give yourself credit. One day you will be 10 times the father you didn't have.

Good luck Andrew, Sounds like you have found a great place on that farm. You will always have that in your memory.

[DannyBows]

Has anyone been in contact with Andrew lately? I just discovered this post.

I suffered abuse by my father that went as far as him breaking my bones in fits of rage. I may be able to help as it's easy for me to make an emotional connection.

Andrew I know how you feel. Please PM me.

[stik&string]

I too just found this post. Andrew many of us know what you are going through God Bless! Feel free to PM means well if need be.

[Doc Nock]

I think it was Coilspring who had some off line contact...

It's hard to have folks come and share and then find a connection to them and not be able to continue...

We may never know...but we can know this: folks here reach out and GIVE when they are asked! One can't improve on that. We just want to see results. What's given in love might only be harvested by the Master...

As a Cadet with 37 posts, we may never again hear from Andrew...which is sad...but he may have gained more from the post here than he's gotten in love thru his life.

[Doc Nock]

Good news! I got a PM from Andrew today!

He's had access problems with his account and only recently got them corrected.

He sounds as though he is working hard thru all the advice and building that Bridge we all recommended.

Hopefully, he will come by sooner than later and post up letting us know of his progress!

Lord in your Mercy, keep Andrew close! amen

[AndrewArcher]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry about not having given any updates. As Doc Nock said, I had trouble with my account, and along with heading back home and trying to settle in, I sort of forgot about this forum.

So let me start out with saying that all of you have helped greatly. All of the advice I was given helped me get through the move, and getting settled back in.

I've taken everything you all said to heart.


So, let me give you guys a bit of a walk through of whats been going on with me.

When we first got back, I had a lot of trouble settling back in. I was used to going outside everyday barefoot, and seeing animals all over. It was strange being thrown back in to the city, in between two apartments. Our yard is smaller than the barn.

I also had taken in a golden retriever I had found on Craigslist. The owners said that the dog had to be gone that day, or he would go to a shelter. Being the dog lover I am, I had to take him in. My plan was to take him in, take some time to find him a good home, and then get rid of him.

Well, it ended up with the owner of the farm telling us that they would keep him. The owner of the farm had decided to bring her mom back to live with her since she was ill.

So I spent my time training him to be gentle, and not jump. All of my work payed off, because the owners ill mother fell in love with the dog. They became best friends.

So my mission to find him a good home was complete.

The point I'm trying to get across is that I was thrown from having a dog, who was extremely loyal to me, free rein of over 5 acres of land, a barn where I had a small workshop, and bales of hay to shoot at to my hearts content, to the city. No place to shoot my bow, no animals except for a pet bird, and a crummy garage which was falling apart, and is going to be knocked down in the near future.

I was in a foul mood for a while, and didn't feel much like doing anything. All I could think about was what I didn't have.

I was pretty much having a total pity party for myself.

Then, something changed. I don't know what it was, but I decided to stop complaining, and instead start putting my time to good use.

Since then, I have spent a lot of time following my interests, and furthering my knowledge.

I've been doing research about building bows, and I'm planning on getting the Bowyers bible, volume 1, 2, 3, and 4.

I've also been doing hours and hours of research about another one of my interests, and that's forging knives. Its funny how much information you can gain when you set your mind to it.

I've also come to the realization that just because I'm back home, that doesn't mean I have to go back to the person I was.

I still wrestle daily with my inner demons, but I handle it much better than I used to.


I plan on remaining active on this forum. I really enjoy talking to people with the same interests, and all of you have been nothing but kind to me. Thanks for that.

I know what I just wrote wasn't much, but I like saying things simply, and being direct.


Well, I'm going to put my computer away now, because I'm watching "A Christmas story." With my mom and sister. We watch it every year. Its become a tradition  


I look forward to hearing from you all.


Again, thank you for all the fantastic advice you have all given me.


Andrew

[Doc Nock]

Originally posted by AndrewArcher:
I was pretty much having a total pity party for myself.

Then, something changed. I don't know what it was, but I decided to stop complaining, and instead start putting my time to good use.

Again, thank you for all the fantastic advice you have all given me.
Andrew

You might not know why you changed, but we think we know: Power of Prayer!  

You've shared with me on side bar how your Dad made a mockery in church of putting on aires to gain acceptance while underneath, and at home, he was a tyrant.

You've shared about how jugemental people were in your church and how that has turned you off.

Those realities are a call to us all here! A call to "renew within us a right spirit" and realize that churches are not country clubs for those with a "better view" but a hospital for those sinful persons who need God's love not human judgement and condemnation.

It saddens my heart how many Un-churched people I have met who had similar experiences in the House of the Lord, who came and died in LOVE!

Next Step, Andrew, is to grab a hold of that innate maturity of yours that shines thru, and put it to work wrestling and learning about God's Word...not man's interpretations.

Research that and the rewards will be great...even Grand.  The pay off is a "peace that passess all understanding"  What a prize that will be! What a tool to shape the rest of your young life!

Thank you for coming and sharing with us. You wrote much. Knowing you were living a pity party takes maturity, son.  

Dont' give up. Keep sharing. Keep learning, but find a bible that reads well and do your "on-line" searches for that understanding along with forging, bow building and other areas of interest.

We're here. Here and PM's to reach out to.

God bless you, Andrew and welcome back!

[AndrewArcher]

Thanks Doc.

But to be honest, I don't know whether I believe in God or not. And if I did, if I would want to serve him. I have a lot of problems with some of the things the bible says. I have much to think about. A lot of questions run through my mind. The older I get the less I know  


Ah, how I miss the days of being a kid and everything seemed so simple lol.

[Doc Nock]

Welcome to the world of grownups.

The older we get, the more we learn, the more we learn we don't know!

Thankfully, Andrew, God is omniscient and he has big broad shoulders! He can handle your doubt.

Unlike earthly folks, He loves us even when we doubt him or his existence.

many who profess to believe, love and obey, still don't serve...not as we should... not with the selfless love He shows us.

   He can handle your doubt.  

We'll just keep helping you with things trad here and keep our prayers burning a fire in your britches to keep you thinking.

When you stop being angry and continue to grow in understanding of how much you don't know, a door may open, and things will appear differently.  

God never gives up on us...good thing, huh?  

Like you, I had a lot of trouble with some things in the bible till i got a good "study bible" that helped explain in Christ's time and their culture, what much of it meant.

Give Him a chance... don't confuse God our Father with YOUR earthly Father... not anywhere near the same.

Peace brother.