Prayers for my Dad and me (update p2)

[Doc Nock]

Many who post here regularly know my Dad's situation, had a stroke 18 mos ago, back slid, and has been in a nursing home since, where I visit daily.

There are many things one sees in such places, that would curdle milk.  They're doing huge rennovations to the retirement complex, but are short-staffed constantly in the nursing home where we pay $300/day for dad's "care."

I find out that this past weekend, while I was away for 2 days, some aide tells dad that they're working to take away his tempurpedic bed.

Dad complained constantly of aches and pains from his horrible arthritis till the doc wrote an order to bring down his tempurpedic bed from the apt.

We did and then had to close the apt cause doc said he'd never go back. he was right on that one.

Now, Dad's condition has declined so he is in bed almost constantly and they have to lift him out mechanically with a big lift aparatus to sit him in a chair...but the staff is complaining that it's hard to position Dad due to his bed being a double size not a single.

I got a call from the Doc on my home answering machine rather than the cell he always calls. They've stacked the deck on us. They're going to move to remove his bed and slap him back into their cheap, plastic covered single size bed mattress and have had therapy involved to ascertain that it's "too hard for the nurses and aides" to position dad now.

I feel so powerless and useless. There is a conference call tomorrow AM they're having with me but the doc let the cat out with his call...without his backing, Dad's comfort and quality of life means nothing compared to the under-staffed people who care for him.

I want to be Christian about this, but I've lay awake in bed for 2 hrs desperately needing to be asleep and just tossing and turning. Were it not that I've seem how cavalier they are about quality of care, and most folks there don't have many visitors, so nobody sees the crap I do being there daily.

I can't move him elsewhere because he and mom "bought into" this retirement community and it's Medical Assistance approved. Dad is close to running out of money so they'll have to keep him but there is no way he can get in anywhere else.

Dad's going to think I abandoned him when this happens and I know he'll be physically uncomfortable all the time... and then they'll tell me I have to come get the adustable bed frame and mattress out at a moment's notice!

Pray that at 10am tomorrow, I can be direct but Christian in dealing with them...right now, I'm struggling to the point I can't sleep!

Pray I am gracious and honest and pray that Dad will not live in pain due to their cheap mattress which has caused him so much prior discomfort the first weeks there 18 months ago!

Thanks, from me and Tite (Titus Landis)    

[GRINCH]

Doc I hope all turns out well,stand your ground,what about a mattress for the single bed maybe some thing can be worked out.Larry

[stringstretcher]

Doc.  I hope you are able to find the answers you need and resolve this issue for you and your dad.  Hang in the buddy.  Prayers sent.

[Doc Nock]

Thanks, Larry.

The bed dad has cost $4000. Difference in size between a single and double is measurable, but dad doesn't have enough $$ left to buy a 2nd bed like that...but you give me thoughts. I have a knock off Chinese version of the same mattress... much, much cheaper...hmmmm.

Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate your prayers, too!

[AndrewArcher]

Doc, I just wanna say that as I grow older, if I end up being half the man you are, I think I will be in good shape.

So sorry to hear about your troubles. Can't imagine the emotions your going through.

But there is a big distinction between FEELING powerless and useless, and BEING powerless and useless.

Your dads comfort comes first. So what if its hard for them? They are getting PAID for this. It is their JOB.

Maybe you guys could sell the one he has now, and get a smaller one?

Its good that you are going in with a Christian attitude. But what keeps jumping to mind is this: "And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons."

Anyways, I really hope things go well.

I will be checking back to see if there are any updates.

[BenBow]

Doc this sucks! You know how I feel about that place. Does PA have an ombudsman for the elderly? They are there to help if PA has them. Praying for God's wisdom and strength for you, and courage to do the right thing for your dad's dr.

[Barry Rowland]

Doc, we have a Lion's Club up here in Central PA that collects and donates hospital beds, etc. for free for the duration of use.  I am not sure if they have the kind of bed you are talking about, but kick me a pm at [email protected] and I can find out for you if you still need one.

Barry

[Rookie@51]

Well my brother I just want to say that you don't need to lose sight of the fact that they work for you and Pop. You are paying for a service and you should expect to get that service. While having a Christian attiude is of utmost importance we have to be firm in our expectations. They need to realize you are not a pushover. I am praying for you to have wisdom and comfort in this time. I know how I would handle it and you don't need to do it like that. Yet be strong and stand your ground. Be bold in the Lord and watch Him give you the words to say.......Dusty

[Doc Nock]

You all make me smile...  

Thank you.

It's amazing to me how we can become so emotionally charged as to NOT SLEEP when desperately need to, over an emotional issue we have so little control.

The call was for 10...no call till 10:40..w/ an apology and an excuse.  I got smoke blown up my pantlegs for 10 min and then kindly as possible said, "lets cut to the chase on the bed issue" and reported the Doc's voice mail and how the deck was stacked with him, their Therapy Dept weighing in that it was a "danger" to the nursing staff.

We reviewed the data points and I called BS on several that are NOT in documented evidence since Dad hasn't been able to assist in the past 10 months but it's now only come up...seems staff was griping within themselves but never said anything, perhaps knowing I'd light up like a christmas tree.

They're trying to find ways to implement more "technology" and creativity.  I offered ideas including that they go out and buy a tempurpedic chinese made knock off like I have for the $300/day and I'd make them a deal... I'll keep doign 15-20 min of the staff work each day I go in and they focus on providing workable bedding for their staff that provides my father the safety and comfort of open celled space age material vs. their 5" thick, plastic wrapped crap beds!

She promised to "get back to me." I closed with offering that it would not go well if they pulled the stunt they did with dad's model train room they waited till contractors came it to tell me I had a week to dismantle a large HO layout that took 2.5 yrs to build! They have to give me time, and if dad breaks out in bed sores, and start to vociferously complain of aches and pains as before his bed was brought down on the doctor's orders last August a year, then we'd be having a conversation in another venue....

I doubt anything changed. it's there house. I reviewed state law and there are non specific guidelines but nothing measureable...just the
nebulous term "elder abuse". They're not abusing Dad, just making him uncomfortable and that can't be known till AFTER it happens and then...they can say it's his declining condition.

When I pressed hard over a year ago on an issue, I was told that I can move him to any facility I choose! Not after they "bought in" and were guaranteed "to the grave" care I can't.... they've drained his bank account to where he's got maybe 5 mos of $$ left at their high rates all places charge. None will take him without advance money and they now bled it all off!

I finally got to sleep last night realizing and repeating over and over 'God's in charge, not me"

Why do we ever delude ourselves into thinking we have 'control' over things outside ourselves?

We don't. All we can control is our own behaviors and actions and most of us (ME mostly) can't do that very well!

Thanks for your encouragement. Young Andrew has hit on a champion idea, but of course, I want to try to get THEM to spring for the purchase of a single mattress to fit their bed frame... probably some odd size the bought in bulk 30 yrs ago!  :(

Keep the prayers going for Tite...I dread going to see him without more positive news... I think I can let go and Let God now... It's a stacked Deck!

Barry, let me see how things play out this coming week... but I doubt they have anything like the compression foam mattress of NASA origin that has served Tite so well and kept him from bed sores and joint pain...

[Barry Rowland]

No problem Doc...just let me know.  God bless you brother!

[Doc Nock]

Thanks, Barry.

Funny... someone run their mouth over the weekend, I go to the nursing station where they know me well and see me do much to help out and ask if "anyone has been having a conversation to that effect" (about taking Dad's theraputic bed) and am told by my favorite RN on Dad's wing, "Nope...but it is a bit harder to deal with the bigger bed". Ok...

So I write to the social worker which escalates.

Wednesday night and tonite, nobody in the place would say anything but a chilly, "hello".    

I love people!     I've gone to bat for these teams over and over with management and they know it, but someone either lied to me directly or the Dir of Nursing just reamed them all generally... and now they think they're going to punish ME?    Silly ladies! Kicks are for Trids (old joke)

I'll give them a few days to get their britches outa a bunch and then see... I guess they're so used to doing what they want and not many families in there, they're not used to being held accountable.

If the shoe fits... wear it!

Dad seems to be doing ok... but we talked about the fact I've fought what I can, but no guarantees.

[adkmountainken]

prayers sent my brother for your father and YOU.

[CoilSpring]

"It is their JOB." and "...  they're not used to being held accountable."

Yep, I believe Andrew and you said it well.

Your Dad is proud of you Doc!!! May the Good Lord bless you both.

[Big Ed]

Prayers for you and your father.

[Doc Nock]

Thanks, Guys. I hate going in on weekends due to reduced quality of care and the 'floaters' that don't know the patients well...but gotta pull up my boot straps and go sometime today...spend my hour.

I'm trying to wait on God's direction on all this...and see what nonsense they come up with this next week!

Thanks for your support. Folks here over the past 10 yrs have prayed me through other tougher times... but when it's an aged and helpless parent in one of those places... and you loose trust in their care for the loved one, it gets really dicey quick...feels like I have to "fix it!"...but in my heart I know all I can do is Trust God...and do what monitoring and intervention I can.

Thank you, Lord for watching over my Dad in this time of uncertainty.

[Winterhawk1960]

Doc,

While not being in the same position as you are, I have been in one "kinda" similar. My Mom had heart surgery in September of 2009, they replaced one valve in her heart and repaired two others. She was a mess, and very lucky to be plucked back from the Grim Reapers grasp.

At the time I was working in a "sub-acute" care facility as a Respiratory Therapist. She just happened to get transferred from the Cleveland Clinic after her surgery to the facility that I worked in. She had to have a trach put in when she was in Cleveland because they couldn't get her off the ventilator due to her blood pressure crashing. Two days after putting the trach in, she was off the ventilator.......but needed to be weaned from the oxygen and the trach pulled as well as some physical therapy before she could return to her home.

Long story short........they tried all kinds of manuevers to keep her from having a more "comfortable" time while she was healing and gaining strength. I about "went off" on several occasions while she was there. Just like you say, they are understaffed and overworked. I know.........I was doing my best to supply the type of "quality care" that the individual patients that I was responsible for needed. In so many words.......I was told that I needed to "step" it up, and get my work done "faster".

I hung in there until she was discharged to home and then I told them where they could put their job. I also told them "why" I felt the way I did and it wasn't simply because of my Mom. The patients there, or at least most of them, were there for end of life care and were what they call "comfort care". I played those two words on them every time that they tried to hurry me into doing something in a way that was "less" than I was capable of.

The bottom line is that they are NOT gonna hire enough people to be able to provide the type of care that your Dad deserves. They (all of them that I have ever been associated with) are in it for the MONEY. What a cruel and inhumane thing they are doing to perhaps the GREATEST generation of people that have ever lived. They deserve better and you know, as well as I do that when they are forced to live in those facilities that they are between a rock and a hard place......and the "powers that be" in the facilities take full advantage of it.

God Bless YOU.........and your DAD !!! Just remember this, YOU have a voice and make that voice be heard. They will put your patience and tolerance to a test. DO NOT stop......no matter what. Demand that he get the quality of care that he deserves. I know that you will do your best to be as assertive as possible and commend you for doing what you are.

I will keep you and your Dad in my prayers. PLEASE don't stop doing all that you can, because you have seen the type of care that the people there that don't have family visit regularly get. Some people that work in these type places have became so "de-sensitized" to the patients needs that there isn't any other place that will hire them and keep them as employees. A sad, but true fact.......I've seen some things that would make your blood boil, as mine did when it happened.

God will reward those of us that do EVERY thing that we can for our loved ones. He will also punish those that are of the "un-caring" kind when their final judgement day comes. My heart pours out to both YOU and your FATHER.

Hang in there brother, and if you would like to talk about any of this, feel free to give me a call. I can guarantee you that I know "of what you speak".

Winterhawk1960

[Doc Nock]

Wow, Don.... reading it is like living it all over again. Thank you!

This facility is associated with a major denomiational church.  I've said to others I'm tempted to crawl up on the roof and rip the cross off as well as their "mission" placard on the hall wall, because it's run anything but like Christ would minister---but then when it comes to Christian behavior, I'm in no position to judge others!

They keep saying how they so admire my "advocacy for my father". Yeah, right!   :rolleyes:  I tell th em I don't buy that for a second, but thanks for saying so!  

I wish there were more I could do, but complain and point out their faux pas.  As long as Dad is there, seeing how the staff now reacts to me and all I did was to bring what they've been complaining about to the fore (learned they never told nursing management there was a "perceived" issue reaching across the larger bed, just complained among themselves and then stupidly, to my Dad). Seems they should be happy I got it out in the open... more than likely, it will result in the bed having to go.

I went in last night and he was in this huge wheel chair, and it was 79* outside during the day. Ostensibly, they went thru all this rigamarole to get him up and out of his room more, but he was inside all day in his room?!

I asked for 02 to take him outside. the RN who used to be so jovial and fun, said something akin to, "Well, he doesn't have a tank set up for that chair, so I don't know what to tell you."

I smiled as nicely as possible and said, "that's ok, I'll handle it with Admin to see he gets one on Monday". Like a cat, they were outa their funk and getting me an o2 tank to take him outside.

It was evening, but still warm and threw a light blanket over him and out we went...he hasn't smelled fresh air in MONTHS! Then took him a tour of the "remodeled" part of the facility for the apartment residents. I'm sure he would have liked to have enjoyed such nicities while he lived in the apts, but so it goes.

Oh, yeah, when I went in, his oxygenator on the floor, wasn't even turned on! I got an aide to come in and said "I don't have my glasses with me but is this thing on, seems awfully quiet". It wasn't and I knew it, but I wanted "proof/backup".  

As you say, what I don't know they don't/do daily for the myriad of residents who seldom if ever have company makes me cringe! Where there is too much work, people will find short cuts!

Thanks, for the reality check, Don.

Most are good caring people that work there, especially after management goes home.  But they're expected to work miracles without sufficient resources and run around like scalded cats! Patient care has to be compromised in some area or another...but the management team I deal with claims they're "fully staffed". Yeah, but often with floaters and folks who only work once a month and know jack!

[Big Ed]

Prayers sent

[olddogrib]

Doc,
Sorry to hear it, prayers sent!
Richard

[ber643]

Sorry to read that things are going badly for you and your Dad, Dave - as if things weren't bad enough before all of this. May the good Lord help in whatever way possible.